Freeing your voice in a culture of conformity

This reflection is inspired by a beautiful poem by Ev’Yan Whitney called “The Courage To Be Too Much”. There are some texts that simply touch me to my core, they move me to tears because they strike something deep inside me with an aim that is so true that my whole being quivers.

Here is the poem:

‘The Courage To Be Too Much’ by Ev’Yan Whitney

There she is. . . the “too much” woman. The one who loves too hard, feels too deeply, asks too often, desires too much.

There she is taking up too much space, with her laughter, her curves, her honesty, her sexuality. Her presence is as tall as a tree, as wide as a mountain. Her energy occupies every crevice of the room. Too much space she takes.

There she is causing a ruckus with her persistent wanting, too much wanting. She desires a lot, wants everything—too much happiness, too much alone time, too much pleasure. She’ll go through brimstone, murky river, and hellfire to get it. She’ll risk all to quell the longings of her heart and body. This makes her dangerous.

She is dangerous.

And there she goes, that “too much” woman, making people think too much, feel too much, swoon too much. She with her authentic prose and a self-assuredness in the way she carries herself. She with her belly laughs and her insatiable appetite and her proneness to fiery passion. All eyes on her, thinking she’s hot shit.

Oh, that “too much” woman. . . too loud, too vibrant, too honest, too emotional, too smart, too intense, too pretty, too difficult, too sensitive, too wild, too intimidating, too successful, too fat, too strong, too political, too joyous, too needy—too much.

She should simmer down a bit, be taken down a couple notches. Someone should put her back in a more respectable place. Someone should tell her.

Here I am. . . the Too Much Woman, with my too-tender heart and my too-much emotions.

A hedonist, feminist, pleasure seeker, empath. I want a lot—justice, sincerity, spaciousness, ease, intimacy, actualization, respect, to be seen, to be understood, your undivided attention, and all of your promises to be kept.

I’ve been called high maintenance because I want what I want, and intimidating because of the space I occupy. I’ve been called selfish because I am self-loving. I’ve been called a witch because I know how to heal myself.

And still. . . I rise.

Still, I want and feel and ask and risk and take up space.

I must.

***

I share this poem sometimes in my courses and retreats, and the reactions of the participants show me that I am not the only one to be struck by these words. And this led me to ask myself, “why”? What is it about these words, in particular, that move us so deeply?

I think the reason can, in fact, be told from the poem’s very title. “The Courage To Be Too Much”. What does it mean to be “too much” in our society? And why does it require courage to be that?

To answer these questions it helps to ask, what is the opposite of “too much”. I believe it is “not enough”. And “not enough” is one of the most ubiquitous mantras that echo through our world. 

It is in every advertisement that persuades you that you need to buy a certain eyeliner in order to be beautiful, a certain style of pants in order to be fashionable, a certain type of car in order to be successful, a certain type of rucksack in order to be adventurous – in any advert, in fact, that suggests you need to buy any kind of product in order to be “enough”. 

It is in our habit as a society to compare ourselves to others, our skinny female models and muscular male idols, our Facebook likes and Instagram followers, our weight loss pills and plastic surgery. Our concept that there is any such thing as “ugly” or “normal” at all. 

In most of our daily lives, anywhere we go, this mantra resounds around the walls of our world. And when we are told, over and over and over again, that we are not enough, what happens?

Well, of course, we begin to believe it!

And as we ingrain this belief deeper and deeper into our psyches, as we all follow the same rules laid out for us, doing what we are told we need to do in order to be “enough”, our personality becomes dulled into homogeneity, our voice becomes a whisper, our inner fire turns at best to embers where there ought to be a bright and burning blaze. 

And it is from this insipid grey mulch that arises the concept of “too much”. When the soul-destroying mantra has smacked us down into conformity, and somebody steps onto stage in all the glory of their individuality, singing their own song loudly and clearly so that it rings out on the breath of their soul, a light radiates from them that is so bright it dazzles. 

And if those witnessing this have bought into the culture of conformity, if the mantra of “you are not enough” has entered deep enough, the reaction will be, “How dare she?” “Who does he think he is?” As the poem says, “She should simmer down a bit, be taken down a couple of notches. Someone should put her back in a more respectable place. Someone should tell her”. 

So this, also, is where the courage comes from. To free your voice when a large part of an entire culture insists that you are not enough, is not easy. To stand strong in your individuality and boldly and proudly sing your song when an entire society tells you to conform, precisely in order to “be enough”, requires a lot of practice and a lot of persistent bravery. 

It is one of the hardest things you can learn to do. 

The magic? Every time you have the courage to be “too much”, you give others the courage to do the same. 

That is the power of the poem. It inspires us. It cheers us on. The poem is written from the perspective of someone who dares. Who dares to step into the fire and be “too much”, to express their ever-changing self absolutely, fully, brightly and vividly, no matter the obstacles, no matter who stands in her way. 

And reading it gives us the courage to do the same.