The Critic

I would like to share with you a poem I wrote a while ago:

The Critic
By Kim Gajraj

There is a silent critic
Of the most scathing kind
That dwells within my consciousness
And harnesses my mind.

She judges what is likeable,
Accepted by the world,
And stuffs everything else away
Where it cannot be heard.

She conjures charming smiles
And words designed to please,
And makes quite sure that everyone
Gets what she thinks they need.

While deep inside, the shadows deepen,
Dark and swirling doom
Engulfs those wild, unspoken things
That are not given room.

Yet now and then they show themselves,
You’ve seen it in my eyes,
In the glimpses of the ugliness
That’s usually disguised.

Flashes of hot frustration,
Cruel words spoken too soon,
Bitter silence charged with sadness,
Languid days shrouded in gloom.

And yet there is a secret
Known to those who care to see,
That the critic need not run the show:
Expression can be free.

That wildness is beauty,
Vulnerability is strong,
That I need not compromise my Self
In order to belong,

That when I welcome the full spectrum
Of the colours of my soul,
I speak and act from a deep peace
That comes from being whole.

So next time she tries to tell me
I’m too bold, too weak, too wild,
I’ll cradle her in love
As though she is a frightened child,

Then raise my chest and breathe,
Kindle the fire deep inside
Take every single part of Me,
Sing it to the world with pride.

The voice is at its most beautiful when it is really connected to the emotions behind what we say and sing.

One of the things that most hold us back from that connection is the internalised critic.

For your voice to be able to feel activated and free, it needs to have had nurture and encouragement from when we were very young. Many, if not most, of us did not have this encouragement but rather had at best indifference and at worst, direct criticism around the sound of our voice, the way that we sang, or how often, or how loud, or how on-pitch, etc., etc., etc.

This indifference or criticism becomes easily internalised so that there are times when you use your voice, and an inner voice of judgement and criticism holds us back from feeling full freedom simply to express yourself without limits.

Ideas that you're "doing it wrong", "sound silly", have a voice that "sounds bad" for whatever reason, that you're "taking too much space", "taking too little space", the list goes on.

For me, the key is to identify this voice and remember that these critical voices are coming just from parts of me that are scared and need some encouragement and love.

By reaching in and giving love to those parts, I slowly heal, and am more and more able to accept my voice and accept the frightened and vulnerable aspects of me that get triggered when I use it.

More and more, I am able to set my voice free and simply be in flow with what I am saying and singing.

A practice that I love is RAIN, a tool from Tara Brach. It is much better that you let her explain it to you, but here is a brief summary in my own words:

Recognise: Recognise what is happening. For example: “I am having a thought that my voice sounds horrible and that I should never sing because it just sounds bad and annoys people”.

Allow: Allow this to be the case- don’t try to push the thought away. You could whisper or tell yourself silently “this belongs”, “this too”, or “yes”.

Investigate: What is really going on here? Focus on the body, what are the feelings and sensations beneath the surface, and what do they tell you? For example: “I really long to sing, and it is such a vulnerable thing for me that I am afraid of people’s judgement, because it would hurt me a lot”, or, “I was really hurt by what Uncle Henry said about my singing in primary school”.

Nurture: Try to feel into what this scared or hurt part most needs. It might be a whispered message of love, forgiveness or reassurance, or a real or imagined self-hug or kiss.

The next time you notice that your inner critic is wreaking havoc on your ability to connect to your voice, try this out! What do you learn about yourself? If you feel like sharing it, I would love you to leave a comment!